On the surface, everything seems calm, but secretly he is going crazy! Who is keeping his emotions stable?

“Be an emotionally stable person”

Gradually becoming a part of many people's self-requirements

Most people do like people with stable emotions.

However

Is this really such an easy thing to do?

Behind the desire for "emotional stability" is probably an avoidance of another phenomenon, which is being forced to be responsible for the "unstable" emotions of others.

These others are often people with whom we have close relationships. Their emotions are difficult to appease, and they believe that we have the responsibility and obligation to appease their emotions.

When we follow this path of responsibility and obligation and try to comfort the other person, but still cannot make the other person feel better, the other person may suspect that we cannot "provide emotional value" due to some defects.

The popularity of emotional values ​​shows that more and more people are paying attention to emotions, which is a good thing, indicating that everyone cares about mental health.

However, asking others to provide "emotional value" for oneself is an unreasonable request, especially for intimate relationships . Moreover, people who have this idea often do not realize that they are asking too much of others. In this case, we are responsible for the "results" of their emotional fluctuations.

Sometimes, we are also asked to take responsibility for the "cause" of their emotional fluctuations. Perhaps when we were young, our elders got angry at us because of some of our behaviors. So in the midst of grievances, we learned this concept that we made the other party angry. So, regardless of the grievances in our hearts, we silently reflect on ourselves in the depths of our hearts that we actually made the elders angry.

In the adult world, sometimes we also face such a situation, where a partner or a leader suddenly gets angry. Even if we grow up and have more mature analytical ability than children, we know that it is not entirely our fault, and the other party also needs to be responsible for his or her emotions.

However, in the eyes of the other party, they will still think that it is our behavior that makes the other party angry. At this time, we are actually in another awkward position - forced to be responsible for the reasons for other people's emotional fluctuations.

Whether we are forced to be responsible for the causes or consequences of other people's mood swings, these situations are enough to make us hate mood swings and make "being an emotionally stable person" our goal.

A good goal can point us in the right direction and help us avoid detours; on the contrary, a not-so-good goal may cause us trouble.

In real life, we perceive the world as soon as we open our eyes every day. Even if the things people encounter in life are different, what they have in common is that no one can live completely as they wish, and most of the time, it is impossible to live as they wish.

If we do not escape from reality and face life bravely, our emotions will inevitably be affected by the outside world, causing fluctuations, and it is difficult to achieve the so-called "calm" emotional stability. Therefore, if "emotional stability" is understood as "emotions cannot fluctuate", then the goal of "emotional stability" may be difficult to achieve.

In addition, this goal may also have some negative effects on us: some people will blame or even doubt themselves when they have mood swings and experience negative emotions - why are my emotions unstable?

This kind of blame or suspicion arises from the belief in the standard of "emotional stability". In fact, it is impossible to achieve absolute emotional stability.

Therefore, emotional "stability" can only be a relatively relative concept. Perhaps we can change our mindset and allow and accept our emotional fluctuations. As long as such fluctuations do not exceed a certain range for a long time, they are all normal.

In some extreme cases, even if the emotions fluctuate greatly, it is normal . We cannot assume that others do not have emotional fluctuations just because their emotions seem to be stable. For some people who are unwilling to show their emotions, it is actually difficult for us to guess their emotions. However, not expressing negative emotions does not mean that there are no negative emotional experiences.

Author: Wang Kui, PhD in Psychology

Associate Researcher, Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences

Second-level psychological counselor

Editor: Dong Xiaoxian

Reviewer: Zhang Chao, Li Peiyuan